Life's Apology
Every now and then life looks at you and says, "I know I've been hard on you. Please accept this as compensation." That happened to me today. I opened up the pantry and found this:
That's an expiration date of April 29 and this is a 10-sleeve box of Oreo cookies. (If you're buying your Oreos in any increment less than that, then you and I can't be friends.) Your first question might be, "How could you possibly be eating Oreos so slow that they reach their expiration date?" What you should know, and this is absolutely true, is that I purchased three of these boxes at one time and then also purchased the mother lode of Famous Amos cookies shorthly thereafter. Then I went on a rampage of making my own delicious chocolate chip cookies. (I made so many we were taking up freezer space storing them.) The whole thing just led to a lot of Oreo neglect.
Anyway, today I noticed my last box of Oreos is due to expire in five days. I discovered five sleeves were still inside and thought, "Thank you, life, for being so awesome!" You see, this means I have to eat five sleeves of Oreos by Sunday. Dietitians would instruct us to not eat 1.72 pounds of Oreos in five days, but here the universe is telling me I must do so. Who would you listen to? Let me make it easy for you: Dieticians can't open a volcano under your car on 5th Avenue and make you part of a Toyota Hot Pocket.
My lunch today contained a modest quantity of Oreos...
I then rapidly increased my Oreo consumption as the day progressed. I've heard the myth that eating too many Oreos with milk can cause a heart attack. That's nonsense. Today I proved that an entire sleeve of Oreos can be consumed in one sitting without resulting in a heart attack. And it looks like I will get to prove that again three more times this week.